Signs You May be Codependent (And What to Do About It)

Codependency is a relationship pattern that many people fall into without even realizing it. Codependency hides in plain sight, often confused with being loyal, helpful, or really caring. I’m Cassidy, an EMDR & Art Therapist at Keystone Art Therapy in Philadelphia. I’m here to help you spot codependency and see if it’s silently showing up in your relationships.

*Note: This post is about codependent relationship dynamics between adults. The responsibilities and sacrifices involved in parenting children are different and not what we're talking about here. Caring for your kids, even when it’s exhausting, is not codependency.

Defining Codependency:

Codependency can be compared with “people-pleasing” behaviors. It is when your self-worth, value, and identity become enmeshed in how much you do for others. It’s a relationship pattern or dynamic where your needs come last to everyone else’s. A codependent person’s ultimate focus is keeping those around them happy, avoiding conflict, and being needed by others.

Anyone can become codependent, but it often affects people who are empathetic, natural caregivers, or are highly attuned to others’ needs and emotions. Codependency can also be tied to one’s attachment style: Usually, codependents tend to fall in the anxious attachment category.

5 Signs You Might be Codependent:

1. Saying “No” Feels Impossible'

“Can I stay at your place for a little while?”

“Can you watch the kids on short notice?”

“Can you cancel your plans to be with me instead?”

“Can you take on this extra project? You’re just SO reliable!”

Even when your instincts are screaming “NO!!!”, for some reason, you just can’t get the word out. Deep down, you worry that setting boundaries will upset the other person (and you may be right), so you agree to bend and break your boundaries even when you are exhausted, uncomfortable, or downright against it.

You might say “Yes” before even fully realizing what you’re agreeing to, and then end up guilty, resentful, or full of dread, realizing what you’ve signed up for. You think about it over and over, think about what you should have or could have said, but next time they come around asking for something, what do you say? Yes.

2. You Feel Responsible for Other People’s Emotions

Not to be confused with empathy, you take on other people’s moods with intensity that goes far beyond simply understanding how they feel. If someone you care about is sad, angry, anxious, or disappointed, you absorb it. You feel like it’s now your job to fix it, and you won’t stop until they feel better. You might blame yourself or feel guilty about not being able to fix it. And you definitely can’t relax until they do.

You might find that you’re saying “sorry” too much, over-explaining yourself, walking on eggshells, or bending over backwards to try to fix the problem, even if you’re not the cause. It’s more than just caring: You feel responsible for the other person’s emotions.

3. You Tolerate Mistreatment Because You Fear Being Alone

As a therapist, I’ve worked with so many people who have thought, “I can fix them.” They get into a relationship that seems great and is full of excitement at first, but once they become attached, they begin tolerating behavior that they never thought they would. Their boundaries get pushed back more and more, and they think that it won’t last forever; this person can still change.

While it’s possible for someone to change, they’re unlikely to if they see that you have poor boundaries. This is when codependency creeps in, and the fear of being alone begins to outweigh the pain of staying.

4. You Sacrifice Your Well-Being to Care for Others

You put others first to an unhealthy degree. You’re the friend, family member, or partner who will drop everything to help someone out. This can look like skipping meals, canceling plans, or ignoring your own needs in order to meet someone else’s needs. It’s beyond just being there for someone. It verges on self-neglect.

This habit can make it difficult to even recognize your own needs, let alone voice them to others. A lot of people will see it as a good quality: You’re always there when someone needs you. You take care of things. You’re probably a lot of people’s emergency contact. But deep down, you’re hanging on by a string, with no one to care for you.

5. You Notice Yourself Feeling Drained, Resentful, or Invisible

You feel resentful, but you’re not sure why. You start to wonder why no one checks in on you. You’re there for everyone else, but when you need help, crickets. You start to feel guilty, unappreciated, and unnoticed. And even worse, you feel guilty for feeling that way. Your feel your needs, and sometimes even your identity, start to fade away. You push it down, ignore it, and keep showing up for others. But it keeps coming back.

What You Can Do

The good news is, codependency is not a personality flaw, and it’s not a permanent way of being. It’s a learned pattern which can be unlearned with time, patience, and support. If you identified with any of these patterns, you’re definitely not alone. It is so easy to fall into these relationship dynamics without even realizing it. Recognizing it is the first step to breaking free from codependency.

It’s important to remember that codependency is a way for someone to feel needed and to make relationships feel secure. But, it’s possible to feel secure in relationships while also sticking to your boundaries and taking care of yourself along with others.

Get back in touch with you

Remember what brings you joy, re-energizes you, and what needs and boundaries you have. Think about who you are, or were, outside of these codependent relationships. Get back into activities you used to enjoy before the overwhelm of caring for everyone else kicked in. Take time for yourself and make it non-negotiable.

Separate your identity from your relationships. Remind yourself that you’re worthy just because you’re you. Continue exploring your identity: your wants, desires, needs, hopes, and goals. Nurture yourself like you’ve nurtured those relationships for all these years.

Therapy for Codependency in Philadelphia

Therapy for codependency can help you understand how you got to this point and how you can break free from codependent relationship dynamics. Some things we might work on in therapy for codependency are:

• Exploring wounds that make it difficult for you to see your worth

• Examining your needs and desires

• Creating non-negotiable boundaries and consequences for those who decide to cross them

• Build tools to manage the difficult emotions that can come with saying “No.”

If you're feeling ready to work through what's been wearing you down, I'm here to help you untangle codependent relationship patterns at your own pace with compassion, creativity, and care. Feel free to send me an email at cassidy@keystonearttherapy.com or give me a call at 267-507-1692.